Words That I Can Describe At This Moment

Hey guys.

I just wanted to update a 'little' thing, that I might say, it won't be matter to all of you. But this is my blog anyway, I can update and share whatever things I'd like to share.

It's just about what I felt for today. Sometimes I wonder if I have this lonely paralysis or something, but... It just bothers me so much when my mind synchronizes my feeling. It's like the quickest way to die by stress. It's so classic, isn't it?

By this morning, I received a text from my mum saying 

"Hey Kenn, I'm in Surabaya now, and I'll be on Atum Market. If you're looking for me, call Mr.Rahno's number, my battery almost died" 

Well, Mr. Rahno is my mum's driver, and he took mum to Surabaya. Usually, my mum went to Surabaya to buy some salon goods to to restock her salon. There is a reason why I hated Pasar Atum, and I think it's quiet personal. 

Pasar Atum (Atum Market) Is usually the place where I'd say my goodbyes to my mum (whether she took me to Surabaya or just to have a little meeting, and then said goodbyes)  

And by this evening (5PM) she called me that she was about to visit my boarding home. I was rushed and surprised because my room was in a super mess, so I cleaned them like hell. And then I waited for hours, probably until six past thirty, I got my door knocked, it was my board house keeper. So I opened the door and asked her, "Uh, Ma'am, is my mum here?" 

She smiled a little and said, "Well, she just came here to leave these foods for you.. She said she couldn't be here because she needed to get back as soon as possible" 

And I just chuckled a little. I nodded and took the foods from her, and I thanked her. She smiled but somehow noticed the little 'disappointment' on my face. And then she went back down. 

Anyway, these are the fruits that my mum brought me. The rest were cakes and cakues (Indonesian crunchy fried cakes) but I had them stored in the fridge in case, because I couldn't eat any of them at any moment due to my diet.

I felt sad and lonely, I thought that at least, she would stay in my room just to charge her phone, have a small discussion, or maybe taking me out for a dinner nearby. But yeah, she just dropped the foods. What I am disappointed the most is, at least I wanted to see her just for a little while, because I haven't got any chance to see her lately. 

It's been 3 weeks that I haven't gone home. She'd probably busy. I'm not that kind of a good son who could say 'Good morning mum', 'Did you sleep well last night, mum?', or even THANK HER FOR THE REST of MY LIFE.

But deep down inside, I'm always hoping on her, and fighting for my future (because of her efforts). The biggest thing that would drive me crazy are the thoughts of what would my life turned out to be like when If I had lost her? We used to fight a lot when I lived with her (2.5 years ago), hating her, and cursing her so much. But now... I just wanted to see her, even though I couldn't say things like "I'm sorry mum, I'll be better" 

"Only hate your own when you're missing home" 

"Only know, you love her when you let her go"

She'd been there for me all the time, even the worst times when I got kicked out of my dorm. I love her, but yeah.. It's always been me the number one problem. Sometimes Most of the times, I think that she doesn't deserve the every pain that I have caused. 

So mum, I hope that you read this blog post now, hoping that you'll understand, that this, your son, he is fighting real hard upon his school life to have a brighter future, better life, and a better foundation of his life, so that in case, he'll heal you up from the wounds in your heart, the wounds because of dad, because of me, because of my sister, and the every single person that had hated you, because you had taken care of me since I was nothing but blood. 

Your prayers are the angels whisper in my dream of every night. 

For the rest words, I can't describe any of them again because of my devastation. 

Thank you.